I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
