walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
