She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
