Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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