When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
