Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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