shes about as inviting as chlamydia
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
