i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I have feelings that need drinking.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
