She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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