sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
