If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
