My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
