Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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