my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
