I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
