remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
