It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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