I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
