i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
