My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
