i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
