Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Did I show you my penis last night?
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
