Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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