he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
