Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
