i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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