I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
