you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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