You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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