Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
