We're facebook friends in real life
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
