Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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