Don't you send me to vm
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
