remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
