I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
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