What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
