the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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