I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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