i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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