I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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