the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
She's the barista slut.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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