Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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