what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
