He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Don't tell me you're on acid again
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
