dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
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