burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
