He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
its not stalking. its research.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
