my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
