First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
