Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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