this will be a night to untag.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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