I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Randomize
