having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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