I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
