I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Randomize
